Need sex. Gaining weight.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
