smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
