My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
