You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
