She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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