butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
