Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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