i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
