My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
cat food counts as protein by the way
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize