Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize