I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
