tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize