I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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