guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
