My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just invented taco cereal.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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