Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
