What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
