Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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