I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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