seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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