I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
