You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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