You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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