Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
