you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
