Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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