goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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