Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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