Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
