i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
