I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
