She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
