I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
