When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
