Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My underwear smells like fireworks.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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