Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
