if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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