Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
