My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
