He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
