just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
