hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
