I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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