Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize