This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
