my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
