I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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