Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Even my vagina gasped.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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