I am puke
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
