you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
