this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
