He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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