So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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