when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
