He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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