I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
