I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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