Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
