drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I looked at my own cervix.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
