Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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