i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
