When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
